01/19/2025 hello

I wanted to start a diary so i could keep track of my thoughts or maybe dreams. it may get weird or dark, just as a warning. when you read my entries stranger i hope you dont feel any sort of empathy or sympathy because those make me feel awkward so instead please feel inside yourself curiosity, relatability, or comfort. my grammar is meant to be informal here too to make it more authentic to my every-day typing style.

01/20/2025 chii and autistic women

I recently finished chobits and wanted to jot my thoughts down about chii. i didnt think id like the anime that much but it ended up being a good watch (except for the padding of multiple recaps, a mid ending, and boring fillers in the middle of the series). i wanted to talk about my feelings towards chii and the relatabilty of her personality. girls with autism i think can relate a lot to her, or atleast i have in a deep way. the way chii devotes herself to one person in her life is something i also do. she lives life through him, experiences emotions through him, sensations and feelings are run through him and then thus into her like a conductive metal transporting an electric spark. this is how i feel with my boyfriend. life is overwhelming and sensations and feelings are often too intense for me to bare. i use him like a sheild almost, to transfer these feelings to me and live my life through him like a hesitant toe testing the pool water temp. i love how chii also lives like this in a very literal sense. relating to chii doesnt stop there, we both also operate in a see=do way. a lot of times i forget to do normal functions like eat or pee, act like a human at all. for example: i forget to eat but see an eating video on my feed, so i remember to eat. sometimes ill forget to show my boyfriend affection until i see an instagram reel or art of people kissing, then im reminded of the good feelings that come from a kiss, so i go to kiss him. although chii performs like this because shes a robot with a learning program, in a lot of ways it feels like im also a robot needing to remind my robot brain to be a human and fufill needs. miss chii knows to love and love deeply she does and so do i! i feel empathy and love and emotion, moreso than the normal person i think. even our living arangements are the same although i may be more of a neet than her..

01/22/2025 cutecore and enabling traumatic response

While i was perusing pinterest for inspiration on room decor there were an overwhelming amount of cutecore rooms, probably because i enjoy the cutecore aesthetics a lot and the algorithm of my pinterest favors them. as i looked over them i came to a realization about the deeper flaws of the aesthetic itself and how it perpetuates unhealthy coping mechanisms in response to trauma. if you dont know cutecore, the biggest themes in this aesthetic is overconsumption of "cute" items like anime figures, sugarbunnie posters, puzzle play mats, and knicknacks. a lot of people associate creepy and dark themes with the cute too, like horror movie posters or bloody gags in their rooms. obviously, its very on the nose about "trauma" when youre taking objects of cute innocence and mashing them with gorey/uncomfortable themes. i see nothing wrong with this inherently, i too seek comfort in cute things to soothe issues but the problem comes when seeking comfort becomes coddling deep issues. one of the most important aspects of cutecore youll see is overconsumption of everything. cutecore pictures will be consumed with tons of filters and stickers, cutecore rooms will be cluttered with posters covering every inch of every wall and huge shrines of anime merch or sanrio merch. some rooms lean into having open racks to display a vast amount of clothes. overconsumption and hoarding are byproducts of trauma. collecting, hoarding, protecting, ordering and opening packages to live off of the boosts of dopamine. giving yourself to a capitalistic totalism in order to trick your brain into getting high from good feelings. theres many memes you can find about these girls not having enough money for food, for theyve spent it all on jpmercari or any other way of importing foreign goods was more important to them than basic needs; and this is seen as a funny/wantable issue to have in the community. why must cute = overconsumption? why must cute = excess? rarely do you see anyone create diy ascpects to compliment their room, infact its frowned upon to have objects that are not "name brand". knockoffs are mocked and called ugly; a deeper rejection of frugalism, diy skills, and being "poor". like jirai kei, mental illness is intrinsically tied to this subculture. its seen as a badge of honor, making you more authentic to the aesthetic. in recap, this implication is that in order to be authentic in the aesthetic you must perpetuate unhealthy coping mechanisms by: wallowing in poor mental health, giving in to capitalistic hoarding and overspending until you have no money for food, mocking those who are "poor" or "frugal" by seeking more diy or cost effective ways of recreating this aesthetic, and coddling acting "crazy" "creepy" or "rude" to juxtapose their cute exterior (such as racism, posting gore/selfharm to unsuspecting people, or meangirl behavior). this makes me sad because as someone who loves cute things and may dress more "cute" i hate the social expectations that i must be friendly or overly empathetic because of the feminine social constructs, and i love the idea of an anti movement that seeks to prove cute does not equal submission/friendliness but i wish cutecore could acheive that without actively harmful coddling and execution. as an autistic person, i dont think i could ever join a movement or community anyways. i have never met one that wasnt hypocritical and i cant find myself to relate to others just because we enjoy the same thing(s).

02/27/2025 forced affection

im convinced something about me maybe my aura or my heart is like a magnet for creeps and weirdos. i keep coming to the same issue over and over where someone tries to friend me on discord or social media in general, i decline because i don't friend people i dont know ;why would i have someone on my friend list if theyre not my friend, and then they freak out or act creepy in my dms. sometimes they just act overly friendly to me and get really upset whenever i dont return it so they end up acting like a stalker, trying to force us to become close or force an affectionate reaction out but it never comes. the amount of people i have banned from discord that come back on alts or just people who have flipped out in my dms is insane. they talk about me or ask other people to speak to me for them and i cant help but wonder if my purpose in life is to punish these people fueled by their own selfish desires or lust. what if im a pure being that gets to be evil to them to teach them a lesson? i get really happy every time i get to act unhinged towards them or deny them the response that they want. the moral of the story is that these types of people, when youre desperate for friendship, will treat you like garbage because they know you want to be their friend. the moment you realize your special self worth and do not accept them, they will lose their minds because theyre either 1: used to people being desperate to befriend them or 2: used to (women in particular) people acting fake and instantly besties with them as social rules dictate. if youre not lovey and cute and sweet then youre assumed to be mean. they do not expect a woman to act unhinged and creepy back to them, when you do it will unnerve them. theres nothing wrong with not following these social constructions and once you stop them like i have had you will see the façade of these evil creatures crumble. the abscense of affection is not rude, i do not owe anyone my heart or friendship. the sad bit of this is that its almost always women holding me to these standards of being besties the second upon meeting. the puppet does see the strings its held by, and will scold you for not having strings of your own, unaware theyre a detriment to them.

03/24/2025 bug dream

i dreampt last night i was walking through an old farmhouse with my father. everything was delapidated and tons of bugs littered the wooden pannel walls, it also seemed to be nighttime since it was pitch black outside of the windows. we got to a drop off in the house with a ladder down. the room seemed to be a really old bedroom where just a bed full of blankets remained. on his way down the ladder he banged it against the wall, causing a bunch of the grubs and catepillars to fall onto me and crawl over my exposed arms and legs. i was stuck still in fear and cried out to him pleading for his help and he ended up just staring at me blankly. all i remember feeling is tears and snot running down my face and the slight pinching feeling of the many legged bugs gripping onto me as they walked. pretty sure i woke up from this dream crying out and frantically wiping at my arms.

04/25/2025 hawk

my dream last night started with me attending a christmas gathering for staff in a school ive never seen before. i couldnt tell if it was a highschool or a university. it looked like a blizzard outside and amongst the heavy snow i found a struggling hawk. instinctively i held my arm out and he perched on it. i figured he may have had brain damage so i brought him inside the school to warm up until the blizzard passed. i tried avoiding the crowds of celebrating staff and their christmas music by finding a quiet gymnasium to stay in with him. the gym looked huge and i suddenly felt as if i let him roam free in there, id never be able to get him again until he was set free. this bothered me a lot, i liked the soft touch of his feathers and had become unreasonably attatched to the pathetic creature. as if on auto pilot due to my extreme emotions i brought him to the nearby kitchen still full of catering staff and asked them to cook him. next thing i remember i was eating his fried leg meat with fat tears rolling down my face, feeling pure guilt for greedily snuffing his life to never lose him again.

05/10/2025 cut

i cut my parents off at 1 am again and this time it'll be for the foreseeable future. it was by sending them a four page note in the form of a pdf i had been writing over a weeks time. i feel good i think

05/23/2025 pudding

On the 21st my dog pudding passed away and now that im stable enough to talk about her i thought i would memoralize her in a diary entry by telling her story. Ever since i moved to europe i missed the nastolgic sounds of my parents three dogs that had kept me company all day, especially bearbear, a black pug who was attached to me by the hip and never left my side. all day i would hear their little snorts (2 pugs and 1 french bulldog) and the home never seemed empty. I loved their lazy temperment and their willingness to just cuddle in bed all day with me. When i moved i had frodo my cat and hes very affectionate but there was still a hole in my heart and i desperately wanted a dog too. I looked around wanting to give a home to a dog who needed it and came across a man looking for a home for his french bulldog. The ad featured a happy looking healthy frenchie with a smile, saying she had never had puppies before. I didn't want a dog who had been pregnant before because we live in an apartment on the third floor and I didnt want the dog struggling to go up and down them many times a day to pee since a pregnant dogs bladder is much worse. We arranged a meeting and when we showed up my heart instantly sunk. The dog in the photo was indeed her but the dog standing in front of me was a shell of that dog. she army crawled to us in a stance of submission with pleading eyes. Her frame was so starved you could see the outline of her ribs, facial bones, spine, ect. After a minute of petting my hand was slimey and brown with dirt. Puncture holes and scabs littered her beautiful face, chunks taken out of her ears indicating the several other dogs around her were attacking her previously. I picked her up to see saggy nipples and a large c-section scar on her tummy. Everything about that dog screamed neglect and i knew i couldn't leave her there. The man asked for some money for medical bills (ransom in my eyes) and we gave it to him and took her home. She had never been inside a home and it showed. She was an incredibly difficult dog to acclimate. She ran from our feet like we'd kick her, flinched from our hands like we'd hit her. She had accidents often in the house. We've spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on medical bills on her battered body. She had leishmaniasis, was anemic, had blood parasites, gastrointestinal issues, had surgery for pyometra which caused her uterus to burst inside her and seizures, had surgery for her eyes. She hated other animals on the street and tollerated my cat frodo. In all typical ways, she was a horrible dog and i loved her to bits. I loved her stubborn piggy attitude headbutting my cat aside to hog the pets and love for herself. I loved when she'd dream and make little yips in her sleep. I loved the way she would follow me like a duckling every time i'd leave the room. I loved every time she'd take the opportunity to crawl into my lap when i'd sit cross-legged to blowdry my hair even though she hated the dryer. I loved the way her butt looked like a frog butt when she'd stand on her hind legs trying to climb up on my lap or the bed. I loved when i'd go to wake her up and when she heard my high pitched voice she'd start twitching her body in excitement despite being half asleep. I loved when she'd act like a grandma and get so tired of us staying up late that she'd stand with a big sigh and take herself to bed while we stayed in the office. I loved the way she slowly started to learn to play and would play with me like i was another dog snorting and nipping at me. We knew her time with us would be like hospice. The abuse was life threatening to her body no matter how much we managed to heal. The damage was already done. We got to have a wonderful christmas with her and she got to celebrate the only holiday she had in her life. We dressed her in her christmas onesie and took pictures in front of the tree before she had her piggie ear present from santa. She seemed the happiest she'd ever been. Our goal was to use what time we had with her to try to make up for the shit life she'd had until this point and i hope in her eyes we accomplished that, but i wish we'd had more time. 1 and a a half years wasn't enough for me. I hope we made it worth clinging to life for just a little while longer. She died very quickly on a walk outside with my fiance, she fell over and her heart had stopped and I couldn't be more thankful that she went quickly and painlessly. As sad as i am i'm thankful her suffering ended. I put her belongings like her unfinished medication and christmas onesie in a cabinet locked away to save my heart until it stops hurting as bad. My apartment is once again, silent.

07/24/2025 diagnosis

Yesterday I was offically diagnosed with autism i had been suspecting for two years but never had the money to persue a diagnosis until recently. Im seeing a psychologist for autism related problems and I was diagnosed within one session with my psychiatrist who said I didn't need the official test because she was already convinced by my two page list of why I suspected I had autism. I really did not like my psychiatrist but thats fine because i only had to see her once! Luckily i like my psychologist a lot more which i do have to keep seeing. I never had any support reguarding my mental health and was told a couple times by my family that I couldn't have autism because they did all the same behaviors as me and they were "normal". I kept expecting some sort of pushback or questioning from the professionals reguarding my diagnosis but it seemed they were convinced right off the bat lol, didn't know it was that obvious to others. This will help me when i have bouts of imposter syndrome, I have the proof to convince myself its true which is what matters the most. Everything makes sense, everything fits, now i can focus on living around this. I wish there were some magical way to help me with public transport since i struggle with that the most in my life but i think the only solution to that is my bf getting a car for us which will take time and money. The psychiatrist said she thinks my biggest hurdle to work out with my psychologist is connecting with others and not making friends. she kept trying to force positivity down my throat about being autism and how being different is a superpower (super cringy) but I couldn't fake a smile at all. autism is a great detriment to my life, there's nothing positive from it. My health is bad, life is mostly uncomfortable, and I feel this incredible lonliness where I will never connect with any other human than my bf. Im okay being alone for the most part but i yearn really badly for a female friend i can connect with and have fun with no judgement. I try so hard to connect with other female autistics and it fails every time i always feel lower functioning than them and they always hold me to social norms. why care about those? I still think one day i will find her and i will keep trying i had one in my entire life and she ended up moving away and having kids, we never speak anymore. my goal in life is to find another and i can be happy. Im not asking for a lot, just one..

08/28/2025 autism vs autism

i have to jot down my theories before i forget because this is a shower thought birthed from returning to my caveman state of being naked and shivering in water. My theory is that autistic people target and persicute autistic people just as badly as non autistic people do, maybe even moreso. Many times ive been judged harshly by high functioning autistic women for not still adhering to social standards forced upon women since birth. many times ive had an autistic person get angry ive shown benign signs of autism while it was expected to accept their damaging behaviors. I feel like socializing with other autists, most expect you to perfectly follow social rules or be amazing at reading their own social cues and get quite aggressive when you dont. its almost as if theyre angry you behave "autistically" but expect you to allow them to. For example i recently had a falling out with another autistic person and just by chance they favored a non autistic person in the friendgroup yet coincidentally targeted me and another autistic person to take their agressive ire out on us when we didnt give him the social expectations he wanted or didnt want to dm because my social battery was drained. I think this happens because unlike for example wheelchair users, autistic people are so drastically different that it does not inspire any unification of those who have it. all wheelchair users have roughly the same struggles, its easy for everyone to rally together to fight for more accessability because the problems they have are roughly the same. autistic people are so different that there is no unity, also ive found that a lot of autists like predictability and other autists just do not provide that. we are unpredictable and strange, not always socially digestable as a person. I feel like people get used to being surrounded by neurotypicals to the point where they crave the interactions from them and dispise what other autistic people have to offer because its different. This is an issue that can be fixed with introspection and empathy, believing that every autist deserves the same respect from you that you get from non autistics. Rules for thee and not for me mentality is damaging and regressive.

08/31/2025 key to happiness lies in luck

I used to have intense paranoia about the world being against me every step of the way. I was raised in a very religious household that attended church most sundays,i took trips into the mountain for a church camp sometimes in summer sometimes in the winter. I was baptized because i wanted to swim in the water (lol). I found that religion often tries to turn your reality driven outlook on your bleak life into a wonderful one. dont linger on the bad, appreciate the small things. no matter how much you suffer itll be alright because you will be rewarded once you die. needless to say my acceptance of religion was never that deep and the more i lifted the wool from my eyes of how bleak my life truly was i no longer felt the need to participate in something i didnt believe in. I couldnt comprehend why a god would punish me so severely with an awful life and do nothing but watch, so i dont believe there is one. rather than believe there is a silent spectator behind the one way mirror, i choose to believe there is none. In my eyes life is a series of luck where anything can happen at any moment and whether or not you get the silver spoon or not is simply luck. the moment youre born into the world your life ahead is chosen for you by the enviroment youre raised by. there is no devil or god to blame, only luck. i think its hard for people to accept this just like its hard when a criminal dies before they can be taken into custody, theres no one to pay the price. Before i believed in luck my brain couldnt really choose why things were happening. In my teens i started to believe that the world was out to get me, that perfect strangers somehow all subconciously shared the belief that me and me alone should be treated horribly. I felt like i had a target on my back and got left out of the secret. Is it a coincidence no one ever liked me? classmates singled me out? coworkers? strangers? family? what did they see in me that gave them the urge to hate me and why couldnt i see it? I carry this deep sadness that guts my core to leave me hollow and cold inside and ill never know why. how can i fix something ill never have the answer to? animals seem to like me so it must be just a human thing. anyways this paranoia grew worse when i left the usa and moved to europe. instantly i was mistreated by a neighbor and it affirmed everything i had thought about the world. no matter where i flew no matter how far or wide i traveled id get ensnaired in a birdtrap and hurt. the world is hateful and cruel and always will be with no remorse, no purpose, no reason at all. just because. just because i am me, just because i am a bird. I know what you might be thinking. "maybe she just sees peoples intentions as bad, maybe what theyre actually doing to her isnt bad at all its just the misenterpritation of actions". im very introspective, ive mulled over these encounters a lot. i wish i could say i completely got rid of these unusual thoughts but i havent. I tried to replace it with just luck and karma. the bad things happening to me and people targeting me are just simply bad luck and if i carry around charms i will influence better outcomes from the positive thoughts and affirmations. if you believe you will have a great day you will end up having one. something bad happened? blame it on not having my charms in my pockets before i left. as youve guessed im still being treated horribly and im crumbling inside desperately clinging to my charm ideas, trying to convince my raddled brain that its luck! you forgot the charms!! thats why you keep getting targetted still! I dont know if i can continue to tell myself this. I tried to start again in europe, tried with a new family. Im always cautious anyways my hopes were never high but the pain still hurts. (kinda like rika from higurashi hehe). its easy to guess what happened, it didnt work out of course it wouldnt. months of racist comments to me have bubbled over, someone ive met three times still mostly strangers rattled one off causing everyone to go silent and bore holes into my back as i silently kept walking. its always me. the target is as bright as ever on my back shining a healthy blood red begging for every passerby alike to kick me. it feels good, maybe. maybe theres something about me alluring to hurt. its ironic for me to leave a religious upbrining and find myself in a jesus like situation, punished for the sins of others. soaking up evil from other humans to make them feel good. im eating their sins. my insides are a poisonous sludge of sins ive soaked up over the years, one day ill open up like a flower and spew venom onto everything around me. i dont believe this is just because i have autism. the hate feels too personal, the hate comes even when ive never had the chance to speak to reveal myself. my lover said "i hope they will be your family too" after all, i dont have one. hes not naive, thats like calling someone who doesnt know how deep a cave system goes niave. he doesnt know how deep this goes, he doesnt know the hate. its like hes one of the only humans on earth who cant see my target. he tries to share my pain but its hard, hard to explain. hard to let go. hard to convey it to someone whos never experienced it. I dont want my time on earth to be like this i want to be surrounded by things that wont constantly hurt me. i want to live in a cabin away from all humans, ill never be lonely with him and a lot of animals. i connect with dogs they understand me and i understand them, theres no ulterior motives no hate no conditional love. i dont know how many times i can continue to put in effort and be reminded of my place in this world, how many more times can i be randomly targetted before my brain melts to mush and i start to believe everyone is after me? limitless paranoia? when will i be shoved over the edge? i want to stop trying and stop interacting with other humans so i can keep what little belief i have in luck and charms left. even those who dont target me directly watch others and act as if its okay to do only because its at me. kickers and spectators, theyre just as bad in my eyes. theyre disgusting. i was foolish to ever believe thered be an exception. i will shove everyone behind the distance of a computer screen. you reading this now, whoever you are. i like that i dont know you and you dont me. im a faceless entity spilling my heart and youre a faceless reader soaking it up. I like that we will never know any more than that. this is how i wish the rest of my life would carry out. all i ever wanted was my happy clover life to be true.

09/03/2025 pixels make me happy!!

okay i feel better now that ive spent days just finding new pixels for the website, ive been really big into using emojibank now that i know how to download them. the mood of my last post was weird but it was mostly meant to be cathartic for me to get the gunk out. im happy now and the stress hives went away and i do believe in luck pinky promise. going to keep my charms with me more religiously, they make me feel a lot safer bringing them with me. my birthday is coming up soon so i have to be happy for that because im going to get sushi :)

09/24/2025 its tooth hurty

i had to get dental work done umm root canal because one of my fillings let bacteria through and made an infection in the root ... and absess.. im halfway through it because a week ago we drained and cleaned it and started antibiotics, today we flushed the root out again to check the healing process then filled the root with dental cement, and in another week ill go back for the final procedure i think its just finalizing the filling. im not good with dental stuff due to a childhood of constant tooth pain with braces ive associated all visits to the dentist with long term tooth pain which is true this time too lol. these visits cause me to get fear sweat, palpitations, hives, and rashes from the extreme amount of stress the worry and pain cause. the experience all together kinda makes me feel more autistic than usual if that makes sense, ive wrestled with an orthodontist before and now i shake and make noises at the dentist with my headphones on blasting music as loud as i can to tune the world out. I feel a sort of shame for being my age and almost regressing to how a frightened child would act but i really cant help it. the odd feelings and aches cause my heart to rocket and i immediately assume the worst or believe the bad feelings will never go away. im struggling currently too and had a short panic attack after coming home from the dentist after feeling my dental cement shift and harden, normal and expected but still freaked me out to the point where i stopped responding and had to be wiped down from the amount of cold sweat all over my body. to deal with this ive been distracting myself with youtube and furiously rubbing my lucky charms repeating a mantra of "im okay im lucky" over and over until i believe its true. i dont want to have to deal with these teeth until i die and honestly theyre not even in bad condition, ive just gotten unlucky with my old fillings! I hate feeling like something many other people experience in their life is a huge mountain for me to climb but a tiny bump in the road for them. this dental stuff has left me unable to eat much for a week out of anxiety, pain, or just general loss of apetite. emotionally im totally drained. im hanging in there but im only halfway through this entire ordeal and then after that he will most likely have to replace my other old fillings too (not that many and theyre not that deep thankfully). holding out on the thought that it will be over soon because im lucky, and the lucky outcome would be that my ache is over quickly and everything else is just a nice downhill walk. im super duper lucky probably the luckiest girl alive :)

09/28/2025 shell

theres only two periods of my life where i felt like i had a personality or soul inside of me. when i was a young child up to about 12 and once again about 5 years ago. between this big gap i honestly felt as though i was trudging along in a meat suit with no real opinions, feelings, or preferences. i was nothing more than an empty husk. my memory has huge lapses during this time and the little i can even recall doesnt feel like me at all. the actions i did or words i said feel as alien as someone else doing or saying those things. everything feels like im looking at it from a third person view. To date i will randomly recall memories burried deep for years just to pop into my head for no real reason. theres a fear in my head that i want to live life as me now, i want to feel things and have experiences as me the real me. how sad to feel like for almost a decade of my life so far has been dedicated to being hollow and entirely wasted. the me i was during this gap is like a feral woodland animal living day to day barely holding together fighting for scraps and being as oppertunistic as possible to survive. I feel like a racoon that was suddenly given the capacity for higher thought and can live life now normally. I think thats why i dedicate my life currently to trying to do what i like. life is fleeting and its passing me by although ive only been born 5 years ago, only woken up 5 years ago.