01/19/2025 hello

I wanted to start a diary so i could keep track of my thoughts or maybe dreams. it may get weird or dark, just as a warning. when you read my entries stranger i hope you dont feel any sort of empathy or sympathy because those make me feel awkward so instead please feel inside yourself curiosity, relatability, or comfort. my grammar is meant to be informal here too to make it more authentic to my every-day typing style.

01/20/2025 chii and autistic women

I recently finished chobits and wanted to jot my thoughts down about chii. i didnt think id like the anime that much but it ended up being a good watch (except for the padding of multiple recaps, a mid ending, and boring fillers in the middle of the series). i wanted to talk about my feelings towards chii and the relatabilty of her personality. girls with autism i think can relate a lot to her, or atleast i have in a deep way. the way chii devotes herself to one person in her life is something i also do. she lives life through him, experiences emotions through him, sensations and feelings are run through him and then thus into her like a conductive metal transporting an electric spark. this is how i feel with my boyfriend. life is overwhelming and sensations and feelings are often too intense for me to bare. i use him like a sheild almost, to transfer these feelings to me and live my life through him like a hesitant toe testing the pool water temp. i love how chii also lives like this in a very literal sense. relating to chii doesnt stop there, we both also operate in a see=do way. a lot of times i forget to do normal functions like eat or pee, act like a human at all. for example: i forget to eat but see an eating video on my feed, so i remember to eat. sometimes ill forget to show my boyfriend affection until i see an instagram reel or art of people kissing, then im reminded of the good feelings that come from a kiss, so i go to kiss him. although chii performs like this because shes a robot with a learning program, in a lot of ways it feels like im also a robot needing to remind my robot brain to be a human and fufill needs. miss chii knows to love and love deeply she does and so do i! i feel empathy and love and emotion, moreso than the normal person i think. even our living arangements are the same although i may be more of a neet than her..

01/22/2025 cutecore and enabling traumatic response

While i was perusing pinterest for inspiration on room decor there were an overwhelming amount of cutecore rooms, probably because i enjoy the cutecore aesthetics a lot and the algorithm of my pinterest favors them. as i looked over them i came to a realization about the deeper flaws of the aesthetic itself and how it perpetuates unhealthy coping mechanisms in response to trauma. if you dont know cutecore, the biggest themes in this aesthetic is overconsumption of "cute" items like anime figures, sugarbunnie posters, puzzle play mats, and knicknacks. a lot of people associate creepy and dark themes with the cute too, like horror movie posters or bloody gags in their rooms. obviously, its very on the nose about "trauma" when youre taking objects of cute innocence and mashing them with gorey/uncomfortable themes. i see nothing wrong with this inherently, i too seek comfort in cute things to soothe issues but the problem comes when seeking comfort becomes coddling deep issues. one of the most important aspects of cutecore youll see is overconsumption of everything. cutecore pictures will be consumed with tons of filters and stickers, cutecore rooms will be cluttered with posters covering every inch of every wall and huge shrines of anime merch or sanrio merch. some rooms lean into having open racks to display a vast amount of clothes. overconsumption and hoarding are byproducts of trauma. collecting, hoarding, protecting, ordering and opening packages to live off of the boosts of dopamine. giving yourself to a capitalistic totalism in order to trick your brain into getting high from good feelings. theres many memes you can find about these girls not having enough money for food, for theyve spent it all on jpmercari or any other way of importing foreign goods was more important to them than basic needs; and this is seen as a funny/wantable issue to have in the community. why must cute = overconsumption? why must cute = excess? rarely do you see anyone create diy ascpects to compliment their room, infact its frowned upon to have objects that are not "name brand". knockoffs are mocked and called ugly; a deeper rejection of frugalism, diy skills, and being "poor". like jirai kei, mental illness is intrinsically tied to this subculture. its seen as a badge of honor, making you more authentic to the aesthetic. in recap, this implication is that in order to be authentic in the aesthetic you must perpetuate unhealthy coping mechanisms by: wallowing in poor mental health, giving in to capitalistic hoarding and overspending until you have no money for food, mocking those who are "poor" or "frugal" by seeking more diy or cost effective ways of recreating this aesthetic, and coddling acting "crazy" "creepy" or "rude" to juxtapose their cute exterior (such as racism, posting gore/selfharm to unsuspecting people, or meangirl behavior). this makes me sad because as someone who loves cute things and may dress more "cute" i hate the social expectations that i must be friendly or overly empathetic because of the feminine social constructs, and i love the idea of an anti movement that seeks to prove cute does not equal submission/friendliness but i wish cutecore could acheive that without actively harmful coddling and execution. as an autistic person, i dont think i could ever join a movement or community anyways. i have never met one that wasnt hypocritical and i cant find myself to relate to others just because we enjoy the same thing(s).

02/27/2025 forced affection

im convinced something about me maybe my aura or my heart is like a magnet for creeps and weirdos. i keep coming to the same issue over and over where someone tries to friend me on discord or social media in general, i decline because i don't friend people i dont know ;why would i have someone on my friend list if theyre not my friend, and then they freak out or act creepy in my dms. sometimes they just act overly friendly to me and get really upset whenever i dont return it so they end up acting like a stalker, trying to force us to become close or force an affectionate reaction out but it never comes. the amount of people i have banned from discord that come back on alts or just people who have flipped out in my dms is insane. they talk about me or ask other people to speak to me for them and i cant help but wonder if my purpose in life is to punish these people fueled by their own selfish desires or lust. what if im a pure being that gets to be evil to them to teach them a lesson? i get really happy every time i get to act unhinged towards them or deny them the response that they want. the moral of the story is that these types of people, when youre desperate for friendship, will treat you like garbage because they know you want to be their friend. the moment you realize your special self worth and do not accept them, they will lose their minds because theyre either 1: used to people being desperate to befriend them or 2: used to (women in particular) people acting fake and instantly besties with them as social rules dictate. if youre not lovey and cute and sweet then youre assumed to be mean. they do not expect a woman to act unhinged and creepy back to them, when you do it will unnerve them. theres nothing wrong with not following these social constructions and once you stop them like i have had you will see the façade of these evil creatures crumble. the abscense of affection is not rude, i do not owe anyone my heart or friendship. the sad bit of this is that its almost always women holding me to these standards of being besties the second upon meeting. the puppet does see the strings its held by, and will scold you for not having strings of your own, unaware theyre a detriment to them.

03/24/2025 bug dream

i dreampt last night i was walking through an old farmhouse with my father. everything was delapidated and tons of bugs littered the wooden pannel walls, it also seemed to be nighttime since it was pitch black outside of the windows. we got to a drop off in the house with a ladder down. the room seemed to be a really old bedroom where just a bed full of blankets remained. on his way down the ladder he banged it against the wall, causing a bunch of the grubs and catepillars to fall onto me and crawl over my exposed arms and legs. i was stuck still in fear and cried out to him pleading for his help and he ended up just staring at me blankly. all i remember feeling is tears and snot running down my face and the slight pinching feeling of the many legged bugs gripping onto me as they walked. pretty sure i woke up from this dream crying out and frantically wiping at my arms.

04/25/2025 hawk

my dream last night started with me attending a christmas gathering for staff in a school ive never seen before. i couldnt tell if it was a highschool or a university. it looked like a blizzard outside and amongst the heavy snow i found a struggling hawk. instinctively i held my arm out and he perched on it. i figured he may have had brain damage so i brought him inside the school to warm up until the blizzard passed. i tried avoiding the crowds of celebrating staff and their christmas music by finding a quiet gymnasium to stay in with him. the gym looked huge and i suddenly felt as if i let him roam free in there, id never be able to get him again until he was set free. this bothered me a lot, i liked the soft touch of his feathers and had become unreasonably attatched to the pathetic creature. as if on auto pilot due to my extreme emotions i brought him to the nearby kitchen still full of catering staff and asked them to cook him. next thing i remember i was eating his fried leg meat with fat tears rolling down my face, feeling pure guilt for greedily snuffing his life to never lose him again.

05/10/2025 cut

i cut my parents off at 1 am again and this time it'll be for the foreseeable future. it was by sending them a four page note in the form of a pdf i had been writing over a weeks time. i feel good i think

05/23/2025 pudding

On the 21st my dog pudding passed away and now that im stable enough to talk about her i thought i would memoralize her in a diary entry by telling her story. Ever since i moved to europe i missed the nastolgic sounds of my parents three dogs that had kept me company all day, especially bearbear, a black pug who was attached to me by the hip and never left my side. all day i would hear their little snorts (2 pugs and 1 french bulldog) and the home never seemed empty. I loved their lazy temperment and their willingness to just cuddle in bed all day with me. When i moved i had frodo my cat and hes very affectionate but there was still a hole in my heart and i desperately wanted a dog too. I looked around wanting to give a home to a dog who needed it and came across a man looking for a home for his french bulldog. The ad featured a happy looking healthy frenchie with a smile, saying she had never had puppies before. I didn't want a dog who had been pregnant before because we live in an apartment on the third floor and I didnt want the dog struggling to go up and down them many times a day to pee since a pregnant dogs bladder is much worse. We arranged a meeting and when we showed up my heart instantly sunk. The dog in the photo was indeed her but the dog standing in front of me was a shell of that dog. she army crawled to us in a stance of submission with pleading eyes. Her frame was so starved you could see the outline of her ribs, facial bones, spine, ect. After a minute of petting my hand was slimey and brown with dirt. Puncture holes and scabs littered her beautiful face, chunks taken out of her ears indicating the several other dogs around her were attacking her previously. I picked her up to see saggy nipples and a large c-section scar on her tummy. Everything about that dog screamed neglect and i knew i couldn't leave her there. The man asked for some money for medical bills (ransom in my eyes) and we gave it to him and took her home. She had never been inside a home and it showed. She was an incredibly difficult dog to acclimate. She ran from our feet like we'd kick her, flinched from our hands like we'd hit her. She had accidents often in the house. We've spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on medical bills on her battered body. She had leishmaniasis, was anemic, had blood parasites, gastrointestinal issues, had surgery for pyometra which caused her uterus to burst inside her and seizures, had surgery for her eyes. She hated other animals on the street and tollerated my cat frodo. In all typical ways, she was a horrible dog and i loved her to bits. I loved her stubborn piggy attitude headbutting my cat aside to hog the pets and love for herself. I loved when she'd dream and make little yips in her sleep. I loved the way she would follow me like a duckling every time i'd leave the room. I loved every time she'd take the opportunity to crawl into my lap when i'd sit cross-legged to blowdry my hair even though she hated the dryer. I loved the way her butt looked like a frog butt when she'd stand on her hind legs trying to climb up on my lap or the bed. I loved when i'd go to wake her up and when she heard my high pitched voice she'd start twitching her body in excitement despite being half asleep. I loved when she'd act like a grandma and get so tired of us staying up late that she'd stand with a big sigh and take herself to bed while we stayed in the office. I loved the way she slowly started to learn to play and would play with me like i was another dog snorting and nipping at me. We knew her time with us would be like hospice. The abuse was life threatening to her body no matter how much we managed to heal. The damage was already done. We got to have a wonderful christmas with her and she got to celebrate the only holiday she had in her life. We dressed her in her christmas onesie and took pictures in front of the tree before she had her piggie ear present from santa. She seemed the happiest she'd ever been. Our goal was to use what time we had with her to try to make up for the shit life she'd had until this point and i hope in her eyes we accomplished that, but i wish we'd had more time. 1 and a a half years wasn't enough for me. I hope we made it worth clinging to life for just a little while longer. She died very quickly on a walk outside with my fiance, she fell over and her heart had stopped and I couldn't be more thankful that she went quickly and painlessly. As sad as i am i'm thankful her suffering ended. I put her belongings like her unfinished medication and christmas onesie in a cabinet locked away to save my heart until it stops hurting as bad. My apartment is once again, silent.