im so dirty creepy offputting im goo in a body i pilot it and make onlookers agape at how i twitch!!! im playing a lot of vns again lately just cuz ive got the bug at the moment it crawls up every so often and bites me and i have to play play play until i get worn out. mentally ok but i keep thinking about my life in the past and i get muddled cuz it makes me feel gross like its all fake nothing was real. every choice wasnt my own every interest was chosen to be easy on the eyes and it worked! it worked i was the most social back then of course i was all i did and said was for the sole purpose of making others like me. now im me and its back to square one but thats fine because im me im the most me ive ever been since i was like 13 yeah. authentic me is chilling real me makes you feel like youre on the verge of puking the exact moment where saliva fills ur mouth and your heart quickens. anyways! i was on the hunt for female friends and my newest brain idea was to hunt for them in BL spaces. why u ask? hm..... my idea was that BL has a proclivity to be "weird" per se, like if you enjoy that sort of thing youre probably weird or atleast open to weird things or people (me). they wont be offput by me. you might be laughing at me in ur head right now but in my defense i havent interacted with bl lovers since i was in middleschool and the scene was a lot more weirder back then ok? anyways i looked on discord and its all kids/gentrified for the modern purist taste with manwha or kpop. gross makes me go UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. anyways another fail in my book i gave up on this adventure. writing this weird btw ive had allergic reactions all day the histamine dumps are ruining me. anyways back to the first half right looking at my past.. doesnt matter now because im a glorified pet im a housepet i stay in the house all day and do what i want no cares for the outside world because im not part of it. my life is to make my bf happy everything else is just secondary cuz he saved me you know? took me away from everything. i get a brand new start at life hes like a savior hes like a brother dad boyfriend all in one. maybe ill write a diary entry on the brother dad boyfriend dynamic because its deep and hard to explain but not right now. i will end this entry with a quote from someone i like to keep watch on twitter .. "i spray my loving affections out through my peehole" TRUE TRUE TRUE!! lol he gets it.