I used to have intense paranoia about the world being against me every step of the way. I was raised in a very religious household that attended church most sundays,i took trips into the mountain for a church camp sometimes in summer sometimes in the winter. I was baptized because i wanted to swim in the water (lol). I found that religion often tries to turn your reality driven outlook on your bleak life into a wonderful one. dont linger on the bad, appreciate the small things. no matter how much you suffer itll be alright because you will be rewarded once you die. needless to say my acceptance of religion was never that deep and the more i lifted the wool from my eyes of how bleak my life truly was i no longer felt the need to participate in something i didnt believe in. I couldnt comprehend why a god would punish me so severely with an awful life and do nothing but watch, so i dont believe there is one. rather than believe there is a silent spectator behind the one way mirror, i choose to believe there is none. In my eyes life is a series of luck where anything can happen at any moment and whether or not you get the silver spoon or not is simply luck. the moment youre born into the world your life ahead is chosen for you by the enviroment youre raised by. there is no devil or god to blame, only luck. i think its hard for people to accept this just like its hard when a criminal dies before they can be taken into custody, theres no one to pay the price. Before i believed in luck my brain couldnt really choose why things were happening. In my teens i started to believe that the world was out to get me, that perfect strangers somehow all subconciously shared the belief that me and me alone should be treated horribly. I felt like i had a target on my back and got left out of the secret. Is it a coincidence no one ever liked me? classmates singled me out? coworkers? strangers? family? what did they see in me that gave them the urge to hate me and why couldnt i see it? I carry this deep sadness that guts my core to leave me hollow and cold inside and ill never know why. how can i fix something ill never have the answer to? animals seem to like me so it must be just a human thing. anyways this paranoia grew worse when i left the usa and moved to europe. instantly i was mistreated by a neighbor and it affirmed everything i had thought about the world. no matter where i flew no matter how far or wide i traveled id get ensnaired in a birdtrap and hurt. the world is hateful and cruel and always will be with no remorse, no purpose, no reason at all. just because. just because i am me, just because i am a bird. I know what you might be thinking. "maybe she just sees peoples intentions as bad, maybe what theyre actually doing to her isnt bad at all its just the misenterpritation of actions". im very introspective, ive mulled over these encounters a lot. i wish i could say i completely got rid of these unusual thoughts but i havent. I tried to replace it with just luck and karma. the bad things happening to me and people targeting me are just simply bad luck and if i carry around charms i will influence better outcomes from the positive thoughts and affirmations. if you believe you will have a great day you will end up having one. something bad happened? blame it on not having my charms in my pockets before i left. as youve guessed im still being treated horribly and im crumbling inside desperately clinging to my charm ideas, trying to convince my raddled brain that its luck! you forgot the charms!! thats why you keep getting targetted still! I dont know if i can continue to tell myself this. I tried to start again in europe, tried with a new family. Im always cautious anyways my hopes were never high but the pain still hurts. (kinda like rika from higurashi hehe). its easy to guess what happened, it didnt work out of course it wouldnt. months of racist comments to me have bubbled over, someone ive met three times still mostly strangers rattled one off causing everyone to go silent and bore holes into my back as i silently kept walking. its always me. the target is as bright as ever on my back shining a healthy blood red begging for every passerby alike to kick me. it feels good, maybe. maybe theres something about me alluring to hurt. its ironic for me to leave a religious upbrining and find myself in a jesus like situation, punished for the sins of others. soaking up evil from other humans to make them feel good. im eating their sins. my insides are a poisonous sludge of sins ive soaked up over the years, one day ill open up like a flower and spew venom onto everything around me. i dont believe this is just because i have autism. the hate feels too personal, the hate comes even when ive never had the chance to speak to reveal myself. my lover said "i hope they will be your family too" after all, i dont have one. hes not naive, thats like calling someone who doesnt know how deep a cave system goes niave. he doesnt know how deep this goes, he doesnt know the hate. its like hes one of the only humans on earth who cant see my target. he tries to share my pain but its hard, hard to explain. hard to let go. hard to convey it to someone whos never experienced it. I dont want my time on earth to be like this i want to be surrounded by things that wont constantly hurt me. i want to live in a cabin away from all humans, ill never be lonely with him and a lot of animals. i connect with dogs they understand me and i understand them, theres no ulterior motives no hate no conditional love. i dont know how many times i can continue to put in effort and be reminded of my place in this world, how many more times can i be randomly targetted before my brain melts to mush and i start to believe everyone is after me? limitless paranoia? when will i be shoved over the edge? i want to stop trying and stop interacting with other humans so i can keep what little belief i have in luck and charms left. even those who dont target me directly watch others and act as if its okay to do only because its at me. kickers and spectators, theyre just as bad in my eyes. theyre disgusting. i was foolish to ever believe thered be an exception. i will shove everyone behind the distance of a computer screen. you reading this now, whoever you are. i like that i dont know you and you dont me. im a faceless entity spilling my heart and youre a faceless reader soaking it up. I like that we will never know any more than that. this is how i wish the rest of my life would carry out. all i ever wanted was my happy clover life to be true.