theres only two periods of my life where i felt like i had a personality or soul inside of me. when i was a young child up to about 12 and once again about 5 years ago. between this big gap i honestly felt as though i was trudging along in a meat suit with no real opinions, feelings, or preferences. i was nothing more than an empty husk. my memory has huge lapses during this time and the little i can even recall doesnt feel like me at all. the actions i did or words i said feel as alien as someone else doing or saying those things. everything feels like im looking at it from a third person view. To date i will randomly recall memories burried deep for years just to pop into my head for no real reason. theres a fear in my head that i want to live life as me now, i want to feel things and have experiences as me the real me. how sad to feel like for almost a decade of my life so far has been dedicated to being hollow and entirely wasted. the me i was during this gap is like a feral woodland animal living day to day barely holding together fighting for scraps and being as oppertunistic as possible to survive. I feel like a racoon that was suddenly given the capacity for higher thought and can live life now normally. I think thats why i dedicate my life currently to trying to do what i like. life is fleeting and its passing me by although ive only been born 5 years ago, only woken up 5 years ago.